29&not feeling so fine

Something I was never told or at least did not believe in was that when you get older your friend group gets smaller. Significantly smaller.

Since living in Portland, ME I have had at least 4 different close friends over the span of 5.5 years. All of which have come to a quick or gradual halt and eventual ending. I can't help but look at myself and ask, "Is it me?" Am I the problem or is this completely normal?

After speaking with my Mom she'd say that it's completely normal and that there's nothing to worry about. Listening to her affirmations does temporarily make me feel at ease and then the underlying question bubbles back up, "Is it me?"

Since turning 29 I have merged into a younger group of 20 somethings that made me feel like their older sister but in a really endearing way. I felt experienced and cultured in ways that they have yet to experience themselves. This made me feel good about myself. That's something I've noticed about friendship, we have friends to make us feel good about ourselves. Not for everything but that is a large reason why we seek relationships outside of ourselves I believe. Friends who are there for us when we need them. Who will listen to you share the same story over and over again because they want to listen and to spend time with you. Also because they're seeking the same thing in return. The difficulty is when that friendship draws the line of a therapist. This is the pivotal moment where we find out who is truly there for us through thick and thin and who is only there for the good times and free coffee every once in a while.

Depth in any relationship is important and I do understand that it takes some time to get there. When we do get there and I feel safe enough to share my most vulnerable self I don't take that person lightly. That friend is now an extension of myself to some capacity. I am loyal to them and they are loyal to me. Leo sun and Taurus moon I am loyal and stable almost to a fault. I may not always be the most reliable or the most consistent in my attempts to connect but once I am able to fully trust you I am and will always be there for you even if it hurts. I am learning that not everyone else is like this and that's ok but it still hurts once this is revealed to me. I'm double fixed and letting go of someone who I considered like family to me is not an easy feat. I need to process it. Talk about it. Cry about it. Bitch and moan about it. & then I need to do all of the above a little bit more before I can fully release and feel at peace. It's a lengthy process but it's a process that works for me. Those who stick around for the above I commend you and I love you.

Approaching 30 I'm realizing that not everyone is meant to stay in our lives. Some people we meet to learn a lesson and then we learn that lesson again and again and again until we can't stand relearning it anymore and we begin to listen and respond differently. Grieving over friendships hits differently though. It's like a recurring break up that just makes me want to be alone and have those close to me tell me it's not you it's them. The thing is it's both of us. I'm learning to take accountability where needed and while this feels good in ways it also sucks. I don't like being wrong. It off sets my ego and makes me feel small. I'd say this is the purpose of being wrong because truth be we're not always right and that's ok because if we were how would we ever grow and would anyone truly like us? Being "perfect" isn't all that it's cracked up to be. When I'm with someone who I perceive "perfect" I'm just waiting for them to fart or spill their coffee down their shirt only to show me that they make mistakes and can be clumsy just like me. A form of self validation I suppose.

The point of this all is that yes, I do believe it's normal to lose friends especially as we become older and our priorities and lives shift in multiple different directions but this doesn't necessarily make the process any easier. I miss having that one girlfriend who I can call whenever to dish the latest update and ugly laugh together. I miss having my ride or die friend who feels like home to me.

So the questions continue,

Is it me?

& Is it too late?

Am I too old to experience this in the same way again?